Photos of the Day

Yesterday I was driving home and the autumn light at sunset illuminated the golden aspen leaves and made them glow. Today I went out and I took some photos from the river up the road from my house. I like the sound of water over rocks. I like to watch the ripples and patterns in the way the current moves. It is meditative for me. The trees are changing and when the wind blows the leaves appear to shimmy and sparkle. It is an illusion of the autumnal colour change. It also is a form of temporal magic because what I saw today will not be the same tomorrow. No more the same than the river whose waters are continuously flowing. My photos don't come close to the experience of sitting on the rocks and watching the leaves in the wind and the water over the rocks.

Citizen of the World

Are borders just places where they want to see the squiggles in your passport? Can we be citizens of the world?

I am looking in to possibilities for the future to live and work outside of the United States. I want very much to travel and see in a far more than superficial way other places. I want to experience other cultures. I enjoy hearing other languages and listening to other perspectives. When I first moved to Aspen the lack of different ethnic and racial groups I found very disconcerting after the diversity of Ann Arbor.

I have also had moments where because I was an American I was turned to and asked to explain the actions, attitudes, etc. of the government of the United States. I remember an incredibly uncomfortable evening were I was doing a petition drive going door to door in a housing facility that was for international students at the University of Michigan. The United States had bombed Libya that night. I was repeatedly asked to explain why. I was embarrassed.

This last summer while in South Africa I went to a documentary called Gashole. It talks about how there have been plans for more fuel efficient cars and these were not utilized and the inventors were threatened. It talks about the petroleum companies history of creating conglomerates and monopolies. It talks about American resistance to driving smaller and more fuel efficient cars and how attempts to make the electric car or biodiesel more prevalent are met with opposition. And in the meantime there is global warming and peak oil production will soon be passed. A woman sitting behind me talked about how Americans are so stupid. I felt embarrassed.

I am part of a writing group that has members from all over the world. Routinely it comes up about how Hollywood and the "American" aesthetic dominates films, books, television series and many other forms of media. This aesthetic is seen as being very shallow with narrow conceptions of beauty, narrow themes, narrow and unchallenging storylines, etc. For many people that I encounter they resent this exportation of this narrow aesthetic for a few reasons. First, because most of the major publishing houses and the film industry are in the United States, this idea that the American aesthetic is the only commercially viable and hence "professional" aesthetic excludes other aesthetics. Only one world view is represented and validated. Further, as artists with a more diverse vision these folks are not getting their work recognised. The end result is that the ideas and possibilities for creative thought are being snuffed. The community of the world is perhaps less rich as a result.

I was chatting with a friend this morning about how there are so many viewpoints and ideas in the world. I like this multiplicity. I like when there are ideas out, being voiced, challenging, and being challenged. I find this dialogue exciting. The United States has been a super power for awhile. I am an American. It says so on my passport. However, I would prefer to look at the bigger picture and, while I am an American, I would prefer to put my country in the context of the larger view and see the United States as only one country on the whole planet. I would prefer to see myself as someone who is a resident or citizen of the world.

Poems of the Vikings

This morning I watched a NOVA documentary on the Vikings. The Vikings were an exceptionally vital culture that managed to travel halfway around the globe and influenced many geographic areas. Much of their history is lost because they had an oral tradition and did not start recording their histories until the early medieval period. In addition, they have been somewhat maligned because they had a habit of raiding monasteries. Monasteries were the repositories of history and information. If you burn the newspaper office, they write bad stuff about you.

For the last couple of days, I have been reading a translation of the Elder Eddas. It is entitled Poems of the Vikings and the translation was done by Patricia Terry. It includes beautiful passage of simple imagery, Scandinavian myth, and wisdom and advice. I read this close to 20 years ago and I am very much enjoying rereading this book.

Here is a passage:

Let no man ever mock another
for what so many suffer;
out of wise men fools are made
by the lures of love.


Only you can know what lives near your heart,
see clearly into yourself;
for the wise man, no sickness is worse
than nothing left to love.

Constancy of Change

I cleaned house all morning. I made vegetarian Italian lentil soup. I read poetry and I watched a few episodes of The Tudors in the afternoon because I was overcome by fatigue and that was what felt good to do.

It has been a good day. A satisfying day.

I was thinking about the cycles of my life.

I am not the same person that I was 30 years ago. I was precocious. A world of possibilities laid before me and I was told I had intelligence, talent, and potential. The future seemed mine to possess and success seemed mine to have.

I am not the same person that I was 20 years ago. At that time I was exploring alternative realms of thought, religious and spiritual matters, ways of living to live beyond the unconsidered, and the road not often taken.

Ten years ago I tried to be upright. I tried to be the good wife, the good mother, and a good person. I tried to fit in. I tried to be like other people.

Now, I am where I am. The future is not certain. Success is not certain and I no longer know what its definition is. I don't believe anymore that there are the polemics of alternative and conventional. There just is what one chooses either through conscious choice or by default. And things happen that are beyond our control that all we can do is choose our own attitude and way of responding to. I failed at being a good wife but it hurt me too much to be a good wife. How much should one sacrifice? I will never be able to determine if I am a good mother. That determination will come from my children. It is not my decision. Being a good person is not a matter of fitting in or being like anyone else. It is knowing oneself, acting with integrity, and treating others as one would want to be treated.

Things change. I have changed. My understanding of myself has changed. I need to be good to myself, as gentle with myself as I would be with someone else. We only have this life to live and it is short. I wish to make it sweet for myself and if I can for those close to me. I think the best thing we can do is recognise the constancy of change and be kind to ourselves and others.

Cannot get the ground under my feet

The last several years have been very hard for me.

Occasionally I have written about some of the things that have come up. I have tried very hard to keep them under wraps with some snappish and inappropriate posts that were later deleted happening at times. I have tried to keep a positive outlook and continue writing because I have thought this was what I should be doing.

Right now, I am thinking that perhaps I should be writing about some of my struggles.

For as long as I can remember I have wanted to be a writer and an artist. I can remember drawing with pastels when I was in grade school and fantasizing about exhibiting my work. I can remember sending off short stories for publication when I was in high school. I used to tell my friends stories at the lunch hour.

Over the last several years, my marriage grew stale and I grew apart from my husband. We had many things that caused us a great deal of stress-- job losses, the deaths of both of his parents, moving thrice, etc. I tried very hard throughout everything to make things work and to help him through things. I consider the end of my marriage a personal failure. I wish that he and I could be together and be good for one another but I think too much has happened. I want to remain friends with him because we went through some very formative things together and I will always care about him.

When we began to divorce I was taking classes at the community college where I lived and trying to develop my skills in writing, math, computer science, and art. I needed to get a job and I am a certified teacher who has worked with children for a very long time. I know child development and I have a great many skills as a teacher. I looked for a job in Michigan and I could not find one. I took a job in Colorado. Colorado is a beautiful place, but it is very hard to be away from long time friends, a known environment, and known routines. I still have not settled in and it is a year later. I often feel homesick. I grew up on Lake Michigan and I often think of the waves of the great lake.

I spent this last summer in South Africa with a very good friend. I walked all over Cape Town which is a wonderful place and I thought about the past. I grieved the end of my marriage. I grieved the end of everything that I once knew.

I have been having a very hard time the last few weeks. I am very down and it feels like I cannot get my feet under me. I am in my forties and suddenly it feels like life is closing in. I have been thinking about the future and it is very scary. I do not know if I should keep pursuing writing or art. All of my relationships are under going review. I am re-examining what makes me happy. I am evaluating what I have done in the past and considering what might be possible for the future. This is all very difficult and very scary stuff. I don't have confidence any more in my abilities. I feel like a failure. I am frightened of being alone for the rest of my days. I want comfort and there is none. Good friends having been marvelous and talking with me on the phone, via email, and over skype. I am disappointed in myself and I want to feel solid again.

I think what I am experiencing is a dark time that I just need to get through. I am hoping that if I write about this and my process in going through it maybe it will help me and someone else.

I am taking a break from writing

As is probably evident from the last post, I have a few things to sort out.

I am taking a break from writing. Possibly a very long break. I haven't done the best of jobs keeping this blog going for the last several months.

I will start over from scratch at some point in the future, but for now I am taking a break from any recreational writing.

Letting Go

I have been thinking a great deal about what makes me happy because I think it is a personal responsibility to work towards one's own happiness. No one else can make me happy but me. I have been thinking about things or circumstances that have made me happy in the past. Nothing ever lasts and things change. There is wisdom in being able to recognize when things change, when circumstances change, and to not hold on too tightly.

I am reminded of a prayer that I have heard that contains good advice. It is as follows:

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things that I can
and the wisdom to know the difference.

I was divorced about a year ago and I have been grieving the end of that marriage. I also moved away from home in Michigan to Colorado. I have been grieving the loss of my home in a lush moisture filled environment with a long growing season and where I knew many people and had good friends. Colorado still does not feel like home. I have to let go of my marriage. I have to let go of thoughts of home. I have to be empty to receive new opportunities. Emptiness is scary because nothing may present itself. And I have to let go of this and accept this as a risk.

Sometimes, letting go takes the form of giving up control and letting things be. It means acknowledging that I simply cannot always get what I want. Marriages fail. We move. It means that there might be disappointment. Such is life. This too shall pass.

To be truly happy means to let go and let things happen of their own accord. It means I can offer support. It means I can give love. It never means that either of things will be returned.

My peace and my happiness comes from small decisions that I make for myself daily and every once in awhile I get sloppy and I forget this. I lose sight of how my own happiness needs to remain basic and central to my existence and is my responsibility. Among the small daily decisions I have to make to remain vigilant over my happiness are things like the decision to adopt an attitude of cheerfulness until it becomes reality, to look for options and choices and not feel hemmed in, to be deeply grateful for things and appreciative of people in my life and to express this, to view the past and the present with a generous attitude, to give of myself freely to others with no expectation of return, to shape the way I view stressful events into something positive and meaningful, to remain truthful with myself over my thoughts and feelings, and to let go of trying to control people, things, and events beyond my control.

This all requires effort. A great deal of effort, but to have this inner stability, be comfortable with myself, and to be able to face life with happiness again is a great achievement and far more valuable than anything else.